all nighter

I've been awake since about 1PM yesterday afternoon. The last week or so I went from getting up at around 10 or 11 every day (my preferred wake up time) to getting up at 1 or 2, and being unable to fall asleep until 4 or 5 AM. I tried setting my alarm to wake up earlier but I ended up falling back asleep immediately after I turned it off.

I spend most of the day slogging around and forcing myself to do simple tasks, if I do anything at all. I also spend most of the day hating myself. And of course the whole hating yourself thing just makes you more paralyzed and unable to do stuff. Sometimes I get a rush of energy around 10 PM, and sometimes I can make that last until about 3 or 4. It's good because at the beginning of that time I can usually write or draw something good, but bad because after a while I know I should go to bed but I lay in bed and continue thinking of stuff I should be writing down, and then I don't and I forget about it. And I don't sleep.

Yesterday was bad. I usually talk to my parents on Sundays and I turned off my phone. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. They've already sent me some worried text messages that I haven't answered yet - they're both at work so I'll wait until they're home to tell them I'm still alive.

Just tired.

I don't know why I thought an all nighter would help, but I always do whenever my sleep schedule gets screwed up. Making myself stay awake is easier than making myself sleep. But I don't think I've ever made it to my regular bedtime after one. But yesterday I just decided it was time for one. I think maybe I'm punishing myself.

Right now the tiredness is hiding behind my eyes, it's at the front but not taking over. It comes and goes in waves, I'll feel it really bad and think seriously about going to bed but I hold it off and goes away and I feel normal, a little. I'm running out of stuff to do. I can't draw anymore. And the internet is making me tired. Reading is always hard after an all nighter. I have stuff to do today so I'm trying to hold off until it's a decent time to do them.

It is now 10:39 AM.