Insects (visual hallucinations)

The first time I moved away from home was to a basement apartment
infested with house centipedes.
These things were bigger but not longer than normal centipedes
and had more legs
big enough that even in near darkness you could see them zip across the floor
I'd turn on the lights in my bathroom and they'd go running
I'd move a box on the floor and uncover a pile of them
I shook out my clothes and banged my shoes against the floor before I wore them

When I moved back home that summer
(a disappointment to myself and probably everyone else)
I unpacked a box and something scurried out
My cat chased it across the floor
I'd brought one of them home and all I could think was
Oh no, I've brought the infestation here. I've infected everyone.
We never had centipedes like this here before

Their legs were so long you could see little spots and stripes on them
You couldn't tell the difference between their legs and their antennae
Sometimes they'd be as big as my hand
and sometimes they'd be tiny
I never knew which was worse
I had to use shoes to kill them because nothing else was strong enough

When I went back to school I lived in the residence
Always two floors up
Never even saw a spider

This year I moved into a new apartment
The first week I met my neighbours
They told me they had problems with bedbugs
The building had been infested six times
So keep my eyes open, watch the corners of my walls
Check my bedsheets for bloodstains

I get dizzy a lot
I lie down in the middle of the floor, where ever I am
I try to tell myself just make it to the bed
just make it to the kitchen and get some water
just make it to your backpack and get some pills
Sometimes I can't, so I just have to wait until it passes, on the cold floor

I stare at the corners of the walls
they get dirty so fast
the dirt is moving
I think
I've done it again

Sitting in the corner and playing with the toys in family therapy

for once I'm the only one not crying

I'm not part of this conversation, I don't hear anything, it's all hushed and I've got cars to roll around

Before we leave, the therapist sits down with me while the rest of my family leaves the room

He asks me a few questions

I can't remember any of them

Then we go home

My sister doesn't come with us

The therapist told my parents I was fine

jar full of wasps

I called this blog "jar full of wasps" because I liked the image

I hate wasps, they terrify me. trapped in a jar? still terrifying.

we could talk about ferocity versus fragility and feeling trapped and power struggles and who's really more dangerous, the wasp or what put them in the jar but eh

then I saw this quote - something about filling your heart with bees, so if anybody breaks it, they get the bees. It's supposed to be a joke, I thought it was funny, but you know

when something fits

summer

summer was rough, but now it's fall.

I got a job this week, and I moved into my new apartment a few weeks ago. I like where I'm living. I'm not sure about my job, but we'll see how it goes. I'm happy just to have one, and even if I don't like I'm still going to do my best to keep it. I'm more worried about fucking up and losing it than anything.

here's the part where I complain about summer

I spent the whole time looking for an apartment and a job. I spent all day inside. I never had money or time to go anywhere or do anything. All my friends moved away. My family told me about all the fun stuff they were doing without me. And I didn't get anything done. I didn't make anything. I didn't write anything. I didn't even draw anything, save for a bunch of sketches. I didn't read any good books. I saw some movies, alone.

But I did write poetry. I'm going to keep trying to write poetry. Eventually I'd like to write enough to make a zine. I'll add that to the list of projects. 

I've started making comics again, though it's a slow start. I've decided to finally go ahead and finish this one, there's just one more book to do and then I think I'm done. For good. Maybe. For long enough to do something else, at least.

And I've started writing articles again, since I've had a few things to write about. That's about the same it's always been - write them when I have something to write about.

i've met someone. i don't know what they are, but i've met them.

just an update i suppose.

tired

Can I just

Can I do anything without having to fight for it? Can one thing in my life not be a fucking struggle? Can't I just... do something productive? Just one easy, simple thing. Please.

I was planning on doing some errands and shit today but now all the energy's just been sucked right out of me. It's not enough for me to just struggle and get shit over with, there always has to be something that has to drag it out, make me wait, make me stress. There always has to be little things that make it impossible to sleep, to eat, to relax.

And you'd think I'd get used to it and become a better fighter because of it, but that's never the way it works. Instead I've become the kind of person who just sits there and never does anything, who procrastinates everything and never puts out effort unless I absolutely need to, because I know that if I do, the second I become enthusiastic or proactive about anything I'll have a million fucking obstacles to overcome.

I just get so tired.

And I can't sleep.

I'm tired all the time.

all nighter

I've been awake since about 1PM yesterday afternoon. The last week or so I went from getting up at around 10 or 11 every day (my preferred wake up time) to getting up at 1 or 2, and being unable to fall asleep until 4 or 5 AM. I tried setting my alarm to wake up earlier but I ended up falling back asleep immediately after I turned it off.

I spend most of the day slogging around and forcing myself to do simple tasks, if I do anything at all. I also spend most of the day hating myself. And of course the whole hating yourself thing just makes you more paralyzed and unable to do stuff. Sometimes I get a rush of energy around 10 PM, and sometimes I can make that last until about 3 or 4. It's good because at the beginning of that time I can usually write or draw something good, but bad because after a while I know I should go to bed but I lay in bed and continue thinking of stuff I should be writing down, and then I don't and I forget about it. And I don't sleep.

Yesterday was bad. I usually talk to my parents on Sundays and I turned off my phone. I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. They've already sent me some worried text messages that I haven't answered yet - they're both at work so I'll wait until they're home to tell them I'm still alive.

Just tired.

I don't know why I thought an all nighter would help, but I always do whenever my sleep schedule gets screwed up. Making myself stay awake is easier than making myself sleep. But I don't think I've ever made it to my regular bedtime after one. But yesterday I just decided it was time for one. I think maybe I'm punishing myself.

Right now the tiredness is hiding behind my eyes, it's at the front but not taking over. It comes and goes in waves, I'll feel it really bad and think seriously about going to bed but I hold it off and goes away and I feel normal, a little. I'm running out of stuff to do. I can't draw anymore. And the internet is making me tired. Reading is always hard after an all nighter. I have stuff to do today so I'm trying to hold off until it's a decent time to do them.

It is now 10:39 AM.

Taxidermy

When I die

Put flowers inside me

Fill me with jewels

Seashells

Stuff me with beautiful things

and sew me with golden string

Then put me on display

That will be how I live forever

and remind everyone

of what they couldn't have

and what I could only achieve

in death